Jessica, my investigator called to tell me that she found this awesome family that she was very excited for me to meet. I had given her a list of what I wanted in a family (which I will share a copy when I can find it), she found a few options, and was setting up meetings with these potential homes. I remember the genuine of her excitement with this particular family. This made me a little excited too… BUT what was most shocking was her telling me that the family has already agreed to adopt me if I were to chose them… #feelingwanted This was so shocking because the plan was to meet all these families and pick one that was the best fit for me, but also give them a chance to see if I am a good fit for them. Yet, here I was with a family who never met me, who only knew my name, gender, and age, AND say “yup, we will take her, we promise to love her like our own child”. Of course, I was skeptical, was this too good to be true, was this some crazy family who could never have kids so now they are willing to take this 17 year old girl?
BUT NOPE, I then learn the family already had 6 KIDS… WHAT… So why does this family want me? That was a legit question because I was only hoping for a family that was willing to take me, and here I was with a family that never met me, did not know me, and they agreed to adopt me…. I asked my investigator… “did you tell them I come with problems, did you tell them my history?” She started to tear up on the phone and said “Stephanie, that is the thing, I tried to tell them, I asked the mother if she wanted to read your file and she said no, that knowing you were 17, and that you came from polygamy was enough to know that you would naturally have issues, and that she did not need to read the file on the specifics”. I started to tear up… can someone pinch me… is this real life… how did I go from over 40 homes at this point in my life, my own bio parents not doing a good job taking care of me, and here this stranger mom with her hands full, with 6 kids, and wants me… #idontbelieveit I kept asking questions, but what about, but what about, do they need money, do they need my foster care money, but, but, BUT….! AND Jess said, she vetted them, she checked them out, she hasn’t been to the house yet, but they were an active approved foster home, and everything checks out so if I was willing the family could meet me tomorrow. #soconfused #whoarethesepeople #whogiveslovetoastranger
I was technically homeless at this time, just lost my placement in my foster home that was supposed to be my adoptive home, because of marital problems that were occurring between those parents. So Andrea and I was placed temporarily with a kinship (distant family member out of the order) placement for a few weeks while they actively tried to find us permanent homes. These are whole other stories with many details of their own, but Andrea had a home picked out. She picked out a family months prior when I was picking the home I was in at the time. She was actually just waiting for the approval to move out of state to Washington with this family, while living with me temporarily in the foster home that fell through. #itsconfusingiknow #iliveditanditsstillconfusing Andrea and I were not as close at this time because the grownups on our case thought it would be good for us to stay separated to heal on our own and not feed off each others trauma, living in the past, and utilizing unhealthy behaviors and coping. I HAVE A LOT OF NEGATIVE EMOTIONS ABOUT THIS STILL!!! They were wrong, but we were the kids and they were the grownups, and I had hopes that one day we would both be 18 and find our way back into being the close sisters that we were. BUT personally, I did not care for Andrea’s family she picked, something did not sit right with me about them, but at this point Andrea and I had been separated so much during our case being in separate homes and facilities, that I did not feel it was my place to tell her my opinions. Also, I heard the lawyer on our case rave about the family being really good for Andrea, so I figured I would trust the lawyers opinion of that family because Andrea was definitely her fave, and I wanted to believe she would never let Andrea go to a bad family. However, at the time, I was just the teenage child going through a very traumatic process, and hoping to just make it to my future and function. I did not know what was best. I didn’t have all the answers. I stopped fighting to live with Andrea early on in our case because her lawyer, which was mine to, but she made it very clear to me in every single way what an unhealthy influence I had on Andrea, and that my presence in her life was causing more harm than good for Andrea…. #thisreallymessedwithhead With the foster homes kicking me out because the order was harassing them when I lived there, and the lawyer making me feel like a bad influence on Andrea, I truly felt like I was worthless. I felt so bad for everyone and anyone I met, I wanted to protect them all from me, from whatever BAD I somehow kept bringing into the lives of those around me. Anyways, I have chosen to forgive the lawyer, giving her credit for doing the best she could with the situation especially, since now she has adopted Andrea… and mine and Andrea’s relationship found its way back to being sisters despite everything…. but if it hadn’t and we were still estranged over this, I don’t know how I would have ever forgiven her.
Anyways, so the morning I met my family, I got dressed in like 5 different outfits, I wanted to wear the perfect outfit. Why was my outfit important, did I really think they would like me more based on what I was wearing, or was it that I wanted to feel more confident, I don’t know? I thought with three teenage sisters I would definitely need to show up with style to fit in, I wanted them to like me. I was standing and looking at myself in the mirror picking myself apart, telling myself that I was unlovable, that I did not deserve happiness, and why am I trying so hard, BUT I fought those thoughts. I did not want to feel like that my whole life, I kept thinking if I keep fighting for myself, keep fighting to say I deserve happiness and love, that maybe one day I would actually have it. I added the final touch to my outfit, I needed dangly earrings and my handcuff necklace. At this time, the earrings were a big symbolic part of me, representing me fighting for myself, they were the final straw that got me out of the order, and wearing them somehow empowered me. #fightingforthelittlegirlwhoneededme The handcuff necklace also made me feel empowered, I wanted to be a child abuse investigator when I grew up and they represented that future, and choosing a life I could never have in the order.
Jess picked me up early in the morning to drive me to their home. On the way she was telling me everything she knew about the family, I was addressing all my “questions” again. I was so scared and so nervous, this still does not feel real, but I was now so excited to meet this family. The plan was for me to meet the mom and the baby first because the dad was at work, and the kids were all at school. This was weird, a weird concept to me that the family was able to financially support themselves without the mom working. It gave me hope that I was not supposed to be the paycheck through my foster checks (because even though this family wanted to adopt me, then legally they would still need to foster me for 6 months per Utah rules) I was tearing up, this was gonna be the perfect family for me, I still couldn’t understand how a stranger would want me. I know they had more kids then I would have liked, I knew I had issues, and I did not want to feel guilty taking away from the existing kids life. I didn’t want to deal with sibling jealousy, sibling issues, and so many reasons I put on my list that I wanted a family with a small amount of kids, but I actually really still wanted lots of siblings. That’s what I was used to. I was just so afraid that something was wrong with me and I would ruin them, just like I was ruining the lives of others around me, and I wanted just adults as a family so they couldn’t blame me for ruining them. BUT, I agreed to meet this family because I truly wanted to be part of a family with children, I wanted to hear children laughter and the noise of a family where I now felt a huge void.
So when we got closer to the house, Jess dropped the big bomb on me that she was holding on to.. She said, “ok there’s one more thing, I didn’t want to tell you because I was worried you would refuse to meet the family,” and I was sitting in that front seat thinking YUP I knew it, too good to be true, what is it…. And she proceeds to tell me that the family is Mormon….. Ughhhhhh…. Noooo…. I really did not want to deal with another strict religious family. I had bad experiences with my Mormon foster homes. I was done with religion and wanted to just be a spiritual person who believed in Christ, humanity, love, being a good person, and say the “F” word every couple sentences …. That is who I had become in foster care. I created this very hard shell, I swore like crazy to express myself, and I built walls to push everyone away as a protective factor. I was not the same girl that left polygamy. I had experienced foster care, been exposed to many teens with many issues, drugs, gangs, and all sorts that you find in the foster care system with us teens who fell through the cracks going from home to home. Some were bad homes, some good, some alright, but none permanent, and always being the foster kid who steps into one family picture, and back out so the bio kids could have their family picture. The foster kid that’s supposed to be super grateful this family opened their home and hearts, but yet still know that I don’t belong, still know that my place is the back seat, and the bio kids take priority. So being Mormon was a big problem for me on so many levels. #iknewitwastoogoodtobetrue
She’s right, I don’t know if I would have met the family knowing this. Of course I was skeptical that I would ever find a family, I knew I was hard to love because my bio mom told me so, and many others corroborated that with how they treated me. So I figured, may as well still meet them, I am already here, and I will just wait for them to figure out how unlovable I am, take back their offer to adopt me, and problem solved with the Mormon thing. My worries started to feel validated, I was worried that this was all too good to be true. Then my worries started to pile on, with my thoughts going in a spiral, I was worried about absolutely everything, and now worried about all the religion stuff too!! Jess tried to assure me that she spoke with the mom and the Mormon thing shouldn’t be an issue, the mom said they don’t care if I want to be Mormon or not.
Who is this family? I don’t get it, why is everything seem to be working out? Things don’t work out for me… I was deep in my thoughts and freaking out inside as we pulled on to the street where the home was. We pulled into the driveway, and I looked at this perfectly, cute, normal looking house. I wanted to run away! Why did I want to run away? … I don’t know, I just know that I was terrified, I was overwhelmed, I was a lot of emotions, but I got out of the car and followed Jess to the front door. We had a plan, she was going to stay with me until I felt safe to stay by myself, or we would leave together if we didn’t like the family. Jess knocked on the door and I had no idea what to expect, I had never seen the family not even pictures. I didn’t know what they would look like at all.. then this beautiful tall woman opened the door, she had dark brown hair, brown eyes… pretty sure my eyes were filled up with tears at this point, she looked so nice, and her voice was so comforting and happy.
She invited us in, her and Jess were talking, I was following, but couldn’t bring myself to participate in the conversation. I walked into this big open living room filled with normal, loving, happy family pictures. I looked around feeling like, I do not belong here, look at these people, they are so happy, not the fake happy where you smile through it that I saw all over the order, but real genuine happy where their eyes are even radiating love. The feeling in the home, the smell of the home, everything, seemed so right, I saw the baby sleeping in the car seat, we sat on the couches, Jess and I on one, and Michelle on the other across the room. I still hardly spoke, Jessica kept speaking for me, sharing things with Michelle, addressing my concerns, and asking questions for me, and Michelle was answering. I sat there trying to stay present, trying to stay out of my head. There was a part of me screaming that I did not belong here, I did not deserve this; another part of me that so badly wanted to be a part of a family so loving as this; then another part that was skeptical, and thought maybe the family wasn’t that great and they were hiding something.
I was afraid to speak because I did not know what part of me would come out, would it be the me that is very defiant, the me that cries because life has been a lot, would it be the real me that is under all of this armor I have built up to protect myself. I wanted them to see the real me, but I was also afraid that I did not know how to be the real me anymore.
Jessica was asking questions about each member of the family, the family dynamics, addressing the list of things I had on my paper. I don’t remember everything that was talked about, but at some point I joined the conversation. Jessica shared that I was concerned about being Mormon, and Michelle told me that I did not have to be Mormon. I knew about the church, I knew about the 3 hours of church: Sacrament, Sunday School, and Young Womens. I also knew that it would be weird to be part of a family that shared something like church and religion, and I was left out of it. I didn’t want to be left out anymore, so I asked Michelle, what if I choose that I just want to go to Young Womens. She told me that I could go to whatever part of church I wanted to go, and whatever part I didn’t want to go. They were raising their kids Mormon, but she knew that I was raised in polygamy where people abused religion, and she did not want to be another person to do that. She was saying everything right, I was feeling safe to start asking her the hard questions.
I knew that even though I was a people pleaser and that I tried to always follow the rules that I was not perfect, so I wanted to know all the family rules. I wanted to know at what point would I be kicked out of the family, if I chose this family, where were the conditions of this love that they were offering me, especially me still being a stranger. “What if I didn’t finish my dinner, what if I waste food, what if…” These may sound like crazy questions, but I got slapped for wasting food before, I was force fed rotten food at babysitters, I had sitters pull food out of the garbage to feed me, I was punished for not finishing my food, these were all legit questions for me. “What do punishments look like in this house, what happens to the other kids when they misbehave, what about the younger kids…” See I did not want to be in a place where I had to watch kids I come to love being hurt either. “Now what about your relationship with your husband, does he hurt you, what does it look like when he loses his temper.” I wanted to know everything, I wanted to know if this was truly a SAFE home.
Photo courtesy of LDS.org
At some point in all these questions, the doorbell rang and Michelle answered, it was Mormon LDS missionaries, I stayed on the couch, skeptical of why they were here, feeling like I needed to hide from them. I was listening and could hear Michelle telling them she doesn’t know of anyone who needs the gospel and trying to usher them away. I could tell this wasn’t a set up, but when she came back, she probably noticed that I was closing myself off again, because she protested that she did not invite them over, had no idea they were coming and apologized. #thosesneakymissionaries #theyalwaysfindyou
“What if I got a tattoo, what if I did drugs, what if I hit one of the kids, what if I….” I asked so many questions, and Michelle had the perfect answer for everyone of them. “If you do drugs we would still love you, you would still be our daughter, but because we don’t want the other kids to be influenced by that we would ask you to move out, but you would still be our daughter. If you want to get a tattoo that’s fine, I would not sign for you to get one, but I would hope you get something you don’t mind being on your body forever. If you hit one of the kids we would handle it the way we handle it with our kids now.” I was so shocked by her answers, and again, she was probably so shocked by all my questions.
Michelle told me about each of the kids, starting with the oldest. She told me how each of them responded when finding out they could adopt a big sister. I don’t know how I appeared on the outside when she was telling me this, I only know how I felt on the inside. A part of my soul was crying and longing to be part of this family, I wanted to know and learn what it was like to have this unconditional love and acceptance in my life. I wanted to know what it was like to feel normal, to be normal, to just do life without always worrying for my next punishment, to make mistakes and know that it was going to be ok. Hearing that the oldest sister Whitney was super excited, and felt like I should be in the family without hesitation…Knowing that each member wanted me there… I can’t even sum up in words how I felt. This family was truly something special, and I could see that.
I even asked about the extended family, I knew getting adopted wouldn’t mean I was part of just this mom, dad and sibling unit. How would the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins accept me. I’ve been in enough foster homes to have experienced attending the extended family events and experiencing first-hand their rejection or tolerance of the foster kids. Michelle (ps. I keep writing “my mom” in this post and have to erase to write Michelle, because literally that’s how much she is my mom..) told me that the baby she was now holding was adopted and everyone loved and accepted her. Michelle explained that they have fostered kids over the years, and every time they bring them to the grandparents house everyone welcomes them. So this would not be a foreign concept to the extended family, they already welcome people, they’re already the type of people that had the motto “when you’re here you’re family”. #isthatacommercial #butforreal
After many hours with the three of us on the couch, we talked about everything under the sun, this meet-and-greet turned into a FULL ON INTERROGATION and this family was ON TRIAL!!! But Michelle seriously handled it like a champ, she was not one bit defensive, I was even trying to provoke her emotions and behaviors, I wanted to know if this was just a great speech, or was this family really this great? I threw her curve ball questions, and she was just right there with me answering them one after another. This started to feel real, like this might be a family I could really be part of. Not because the family was perfect, but because the genuine love was there. In talking with Michelle I knew that this was a family where the love never ended no matter what, and I wanted to be part of something like that. I let Jessica leave, and I stayed with Michelle ready and excited to meet the rest of what could possibly be my family.
The first person I met was the father Darrin. I saw his smiling pictures all over the living room, so when he walked in the door I knew exactly who he was. He introduced himself to me, and I was so skeptical why this dude, this grown man, who had this great family, was willing to adopt me. The questions continue to flow out of me like word vomit. I couldn’t make myself shut-up if I wanted to. I asked him if he ever hurt his wife, if he ever cheated, if he ever hurt his kids, and question-by-question he was answering with the genuine, perfect answers for me to see that this was a real genuine family, with real genuine love. This was not an act, this was real, this family was legit. #ithinkiaminshock
They’d even been exposed to polygamy with another extended family member, who had joined the AUB group. Even though the AUB group was different than the Kingston Order group, I wasn’t going to have to start at square one with them, explaining the basic concepts of polygamy. The kids knew about polygamy, I wasn’t going to have to never talk about it, pretend it didn’t exist, and pretend I was normal. They all knew I was gonna be a little weird, they were exposed to this, they were used to seeing foster kids with different issues, and still welcoming these kids. I was feeling so much hope with this family. #reallysomeonepinchme
The next person I met was the oldest sister Whitney, and to see her big smile when she walked in… I looked up to her, I wanted to learn from her, she was the sweetest most bubbly girl. Part of me loved it and found it refreshing, while another part of me felt completely out of place. I felt like I could never fit in, but I sure wanted to try. So I stayed, I continued to meet the kids one by one, the little boys showing off their cool dance moves, the girls telling me about their lives, asking me questions, and I asking them questions. Asking them all what normal everyday life looked like for them, and being so shocked by how normal all their answers were. See I was also questioning them all to see if their stories matched up; I came from the order where we were taught to fake the happiness and hide the pain. I had been in foster homes that checked out when it came to the qualifications, but truly sucked as a home, where the foster kids were treated badly. So I was checking for that, surely, someone was gonna slip up, I was gonna see the truth, but no they really were just this sweet little family.
I started to feel protective of these kids, wanting to protect them from my life, from me, from the baggage of my pain and suffering, but I also wanted so badly to be a part of their love, a part of their family. I was having this internal battle trying to tell myself that I could do this, I could be in this family, yet fighting myself that I could not be this normal, I was so damaged and so broken, and I could only fake this for so long. BUT all along these kids kept making me feel loved and welcomed, and here I was only knowing them for maybe an hour. How did these kids know how to dump all this love on me, and I was a stranger. I had to keep reminding myself that I was a stranger because they kept making me feel like I was already their sister. #somuchlove
The kids wanted to know all about me, they kept asking questions, I wanted to appear so normal to them, I was trying to find answers to their questions that were normal, but also share who I am. Socially I was overwhelmed, I had so my anxieties, but they kept making me feel welcomed, when I would say something I felt stupid about to my core, they didn’t even bat an eye, the conversation just moved on and flowed. I could feel my confidence slowly build up.
I was quite, I was reserved, but I was being very observant of this family. The day was coming to an end, and the parents were going to take me back to my temporary home, but first we sat down for dinner. I watched all afternoon and noticed that the dad took part in taking responsibilities around the house, he took care of the baby, he was even the one who made spaghetti for dinner, which I still love his spaghetti. He was not this father who sat on the couch watching TV all night while the family doted on him, he did not throw around this persona that he brought in the money so everyone say thank you. He was there in it with the family all afternoon taking on responsibilities right there with the mom, both cleaning up when it needed to be, both helping kids with homework, they were a team. They were displaying the type of marriage I have said all along in polygamy that I wanted, it was happening right here in front of me. In every foster home I was in the father worked long hours and hardly around, or the marriage was portrayed in a way that I truly never wanted to ever get married.
Here I was watching these parents do life, watching this family do their life, and it was everything I kept saying that I wanted. How was this?? I thought my dreams and wants for a family were a fairytale…. I thought those types of families did not exist in real life…. And now here it was. I asked a couple of the kids if this was normal to have their dad help with dinner, was it normal for their parents to get along, did they ever see them fight, did they ever see their dad hurt their mom. They looked at me like I was crazy maybe, my questions were so far from the world they knew. My world was so different for them, and I was shocked their world was real. At the dinner table I watched more as this family was just being a family, it was so abnormal to me, but so normal at the same time. I saw the younger boy wasting his food, and watched how the parents didn’t really even give it a second thought, I watched the second oldest girl say how she did not like spaghetti and the parents did not freak out.
I was realizing more and more what a healthy family this was, and I could not wait to get back to Andrea to tell her all about them. See before I was going to pick a family I needed Andrea’s approval. For multiple reasons, one she would always be my sister, and no matter where I ended up in life I needed Andrea and my family to mesh. Two, Andrea’s opinion mattered so much to me, throughout our case I lost myself, truly lost myself, and I did not trust my decision making skills anymore. It wasn’t just how I felt, it was also how I was treated, the social feedback I received from many taught me that I was worthless, and not to be trusted, so it taught me to not trust myself. Jessica the investigator on my case was literally my saving grace, she was a life-line and she knew how to understand me. I was damaged in different ways than Andrea, I had left the order, and been returned, I did not trust the legal system. The lawyer on our case never understood me, never believed me, and only added to me feeling worse about a human being still breathing on this earth. BUT Jessica somehow knew how to interact with me to help me feel like I still had worth. So with the lawyers unconditional love and trust toward Andrea made me feel I needed Andrea’s blessing, because somehow in my weird mind that getting Andrea’s blessing was getting the lawyers.
I told everyone goodbye, I remember hugging the youngest sister thinking she looked a lot like me with the brown hair and darker eyes. In this moment I wanted to call her my sister, she felt like a sister with that hug, BUT I refrained and told them all I would let them know what I decide. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them I wanted them as a family so badly, because I was still so afraid this was just too good to be true. The parents dropped me off to the temporary home, I told Andrea all about the family and she seemed excited, she was supportive. So I called Jess to tell her I did not need to meet anymore families I was ready to pick this one. Jess gave me my mother’s number so I could call her and tell her that I picked them as a family, and start making plans from there.
I was so nervous, so nervous that maybe they changed their mind, maybe they won’t be so excited about adopting me now that they have spent the whole day with me. BUT I made the call… I started talking to my mom, she was so excited when I told her that I picked them, I could hear the genuine excitement in her voice, this was so weird to me…. I still don’t get why she wants to adopt me, she seriously has 6 freaking amazing kids already, she did not need me? BUT I wasn’t going to point that out to her, I needed a family. We spoke about when I could move in, she said I could pick whatever day I wanted to move in. She told me how the kids were so excited, and the boys decided to share a room so I could move in and have my own room, and it would just take her a day to get it ready. I looked at the calendar and decided to move in on November 17th, because Andrea’s birthday was on the 17th of May. The numbers still meant a thing to me, they were symbolic in ways because it was so ingrained in me from the order, and I wanted to feel connected to Andrea somehow with my new family. It would be like my new birthday with this new family would connect me to Andrea no matter where her and I went in this world. It was also going to be perfect because Andrea was moving in with her family on November 22nd, which was the day of my birthday, but a different month. The plan was set and it gave my new family a whole week to prepare, and Andrea and I one last week together in the same home. It’s weird to think that this was literally the last time we lived together, and technically we were both homeless sleeping on a mattress, on the floor of a basement room of a distant family member. #howisthisourlife
I need to go back to that phone call because so much happened in that one little call. I was 17 years old, I was able to have a candid conversation with Michelle. I don’t know who brought it up first, but I told her that I wanted to call them mom and dad from the beginning, I was all in, and wanted to just be in the family from the get go. I wasn’t gonna start with their first names and work my way up to love them as parents. They clearly already loved me like a daughter, so I was going to jump all in too… these were my parents, for the first time I was going to have a dad, and I don’t know what my mind was going to decide about Heidi, but she chose the order, and I still needed a mom. So Michelle and Darrin were now my parents, it was decided, and my name was also changed to Jessica in this call as well; which I will have to write about in another post why, but my new mother picked my name. When I hung up the phone I turned to Andrea who was sitting near me and said, “so my name is Jessica now, my mom just named me that”! How was this our life, this wasn’t normal, but to us it was normal to sit there and tell Andrea my mom, from my family I just met today, has named me… We went about our evening and week doing life, showing up to each day, and just hopeful that the future will work out.
I moved into my family’s house on the 17th………. #allthefeelsrighthere ….. Seriously this was literally happening, I was 17 years old, I was renamed, I was moving to a new family, I had a whole new life waiting, and I was so hopeful for the first time in a long time!!!
