First family picture
I met my forever family when I was 17 years old, was adopted as the oldest child in a (mainstream, non-polygamist) LDS family becoming their 7th child. Again, this is a story of its own with so many insights to share as we embarked on this journey as a family, taking in an emotionally shattered girl, who had no idea who she was anymore. My parents and sisters became my biggest cheerleaders as I took this journey forward in life, with ups and downs, sorrows and happiness, joy and pain. To say the least, it was not the easy ‘and they lived happily ever after’ that you all may be thinking… I was damaged, I was triggered, I was scared, I was A LOT for this sweet family. I honestly probably rocked their world and was WAY more than they thought I would be. I pushed back. I struggled taking down those walls. I struggled not always being in the survival mode I had come to know so well. I was finally in a safe place, but that only allowed the trauma from my past to come flooding in, resulting in a whirlwind of a journey for all of us. BUT my family never gave up on me, they did not throw me out, they never said I was un-lovable because I was too much to handle. They endured with me as I rediscovered myself and embarked on my emotional healing. I became their daughter, their sister. This became my family; I was not just the adopted kid. (excerpt from about me)
I asked the older members of my family to write a small paragraph of their account of that day. I was hoping that sharing this will give insights and inspiration of hope to those who are host homes or foster homes for teens like I myself was! Many take in “troubled” teens as we get labeled, or teens with “traumatic” filled past. None of us teens come with a manual, and each of us come with a different set of life experiences that manifest themselves into problems and “baggage”. The journey is not always easy for everyone involved, so without further adieu let’s go back to that first day.
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DAD
“I remember talking to Mom and Whitney about you wanting a family. Whitney turned to me and said, you better pray about this, because I feel good about having a big sister. I was scared about bringing an almost 18 year old that I had never met, into our young family. So after lots of prayer and thought, the answer came strong to me that you were supposed to be my daughter, sight unseen.
The day you came over to meet us, you had a very hard exterior and were standoffish to begin with. Because I had received my answer, I was able to see right through it and knew it was a defense mechanism to protect your emotions. As we talked more, your walls came down slowly and I saw the amazing, loving, caring, strong person you really are. That has played out in your life, you are very successful, have an awesome husband, amazing kids and are making a difference in this world! I am so blessed to be your dad and have you as my daughter! Love you Jess!”
MOM
“When I was waiting to meet you for the first time, my strongest emotion was excitement. I was nervous with a touch of fear of the unknown. We didn’t even see a picture of you when we committed to adopt you. I also felt compassion knowing you’d been on a tough road your whole life. I felt hope, hoping you’d like us for your new family. I felt peace because no matter how our first meeting went, I felt that I knew what God wanted me to do, so if that was the case, all things would fall into place. I remember seeing you on my doorstep, tears streaming down your face and you didn’t look happy at all. I realized you were guarded, and rightfully so. I could almost physically see the walls you built up around you. That didn’t scare me. I just wanted to help you little by little to take the bricks down. I knew that would take time. I remember the kids coming home from school at different times, which was perfect because you got to meet Whitney first and spend time with her before Lindsey and Jasmine came home, then the boys.
They were all so excited to meet you. Every single one of them wanted you to be their sister. Not one of them was hesitant for the adoption. In fact, we had been worried about Whitney being displaced, so to speak, as the oldest since that was her spot for 16 years. Her eyes filled with tears and she said, you better be praying about this because I feel really good about it! We said, Really? She said yeah, you can always get a younger brother or sister but how often do you get an older one? We had a good laugh with that. Throughout the day you warmed up to us and let your guard down a bit. We never doubted that we were supposed to adopt you but I knew you had to be the one to choose it. I told you that you’ve been forced in every thing in your life and this time you get to choose, which family is a good match for you. Jess there is so much more, volumes I could write which I probably should while I remember so many details. We’ve had our ups and downs like every family has but all in all, we have a wonderful family and you helped complete it. I went through my scrapbook the other day and there are a ton of notes and letters you write to me. So sweet and so sincere. I will always cherish them.”
The oldest sister WHITNEY (15 years-old)
“I remember the day I found out that I MIGHT be getting an older sister like it was yesterday. I had grown up as the oldest of 5 kids for 15 years. I was pretty set in that role. So my parents were super nervous to talk to me about it because they were so worried about how I would handle it. The thing they didn’t know was that I have ALWAYS wanted an older sibling. Always. So they sat me down after school and prepared me for what they thought would come as hard news. They told me that there was a possibility that we may be adopting a 17 year old girl, they said, “We haven’t prayed about it yet, but this possibility just came up and we wanted to know what your thoughts were.” I didn’t even hesitate, I had chills all over, I could feel the spirit testifying to me that she was a part of our family that was missing, that we were what she needed and that she was what we needed as well. I told my parents, “Well you better pray about it then, because THIS is right.” I remember that strong feeling I felt that day so vividly. Then we read a note that she wrote on why she wanted a family. I got emotional when she talked about wanting family traditions and a place to call home. I was just so excited to meet her and start our new journey together.
When we finally got to meet her I remember feeling anxious, like, what if she didn’t like us, what if she didn’t want to be a part of our family… She came in to our house and I thought we were going to scare her off with our huge smiles ha ha. I remember her looking scared, unsure, but putting up this “tough guy” act so to speak. And honestly, I remember just feeling so much love for her. It’s always nerve-wracking in situations when you meet someone new. But it just felt right. It felt exciting. It felt like I was meeting my long lost sister. Looking back I can’t even put into words how true that is.”
The 2nd oldest sister LINDSEY (13 years-old)
“So the day mom pulled us aside she first read us a beautiful letter from a 17 year old girl without a family at the time. I was only 13 years-old but it touched my heart. It was a list of things she was looking for in a family. Things like at least 1 hug per day and others like that! Mom looked at us and said that her and dad felt like this girl is part of our family, and she asked how we felt about that. I was honestly nothing but excited I mean how cool to get a brand new older sister! Then the day came where we got to meet this girl, and I ran home from school so excited to meet her. That’s when it hit me that it wasn’t exactly going to be how I imagined. I was naive to think this girl would be just as excited as me. I learned overtime that she has been through hell and so she had her walls up and you could tell there was no happiness in her life. It took me back a little but slowly we broke this girl down and got to know her little by little and I am so grateful for that day because I got to meet one of my best friends. Jessica has been the perfect addition to the Jones family and we’d be nothing without her.”
The 3rd oldest sister JASMINE (11 years-old)
“I remember being in the middle of school when I found out we were meeting a girl that could potentially be my sister. I was filled with excitement and I was also very nervous. I remember going to school that day and I couldn’t concentrate in any of my classes, I was just counting down the minutes until I got home. So many questions and thoughts ran through my brain. I was thinking oh I bet she is beautiful. I hope she will like me. I hope she picks us. I wonder what she looks like? I hope she is nice. And then finally it was time to go home and I got to meet you. I wanted you to be my sister right when I met you, I wanted so badly for you to pick us, we talked and played games in the basement and then you left. I was anxious to hear if you liked us. When I found out you wanted us to be your family I was so happy and excited for another big sister. And ever since then it’s felt like you have been my sister forever. You fit right into our crazy big family and I couldn’t imagine life without you!”
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Seriously reading these takes me back to that day, and again how freaking AMAZING of a family I have. I have a testimony of God, no matter what my questions of faith may be on many other areas and topics, but I know that God led me to this wonderful family. I know that through God and inspiration this beautiful family was open to one of the craziest ideas a person could probably think to do. REALLY adopt a teenage girl from polygamy, sight unseen, file unseen, they literally had no idea who I was, what problems I had, and they had this great thing going with their already family of 6 kids… and to top it off, did you notice that my parents were signing up for 4 teenage girls at the time…
There is so much to this journey that cannot be summed up as my mother states. As you can see, I did not meet my family as the woman I am today. Any of you foster moms and host families know what I am talking about…. You know you are doing the right thing, you know you are helping that teen, or at least hope you are, BUT trust me you are! You will make a world of a difference for them just providing a safe place for them to rediscover their trueself, a safe place to let their past come up unexpectedly, a safe place to learn how to communicate and work on all those social life skills they missed out on while surviving. Don’t give up, get the self-care you need for yourself to help you on this whirlwind of a journey, but DON’T GIVE UP because you are helping more than you know!! Probably, even more than that child realizes until they finally reach an emotionally safe place in their future.
Photo Credit Annie Spratt on Unsplash
I love this book to help understand how this past can come up unexpectedly for someone you love that was abused. Also gives insights to yourself and behavior if you were abused! I seriously recommend this book to everyone!!
When a Woman You Love Was Abused: A Husband’s Guide to Helping Her Overcome Childhood Sexual Molestation
I haven’t read this one, but it’s free and others have recommended it 7 Simple Steps To Beat Emotional Baggage: How To Become Whole, Healed, Healthy & Happy
